(Written early December 2025)

Can you be thankful and grieve at the same time? Can you be joyful, or laugh and grieve in the same moment? 

I definitely think it’s possible. I’m just not sure it’s always possible. I’m not sure you can force it to be your reality at any given moment. 

There were definitely times, especially after Robert died, that I was too wrapped and wracked by my grief to pay attention to much else. Just doing the next thing seemed overwhelming. 

There were moments, especially early in my grieving, when I felt guilty for laughing, or smiling, feeling joy, or feeling thankful. It was as if I thought there was some unwritten rule about feeling anything but sadness. 

I remember the day Robert died, December 2, 2017. I called my parents and my sister at 4 AM as I was rushing back to the hospital. It was the first night I’d gone home from the hospital all week. The nurses had called to tell me Robert was dying and was asking for me. The whole family came quickly, but Robert was dead by the time I arrived. 

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

After staying in his hospital room for as long as we each needed, we began to slowly trickle downstairs. At some point, we were all sitting in chairs in the lobby of the hospital, laughing so hard we were crying. I don’t know what we were talking about. I remember that laughing felt good. I remember being so thankful to be surrounded by family. And I remember feeling guilty for a moment that felt normal so soon after Robert had died.

Even then, I knew everybody grieved differently and that as long as you weren’t hurting anyone, including yourself, there’s no wrong way to grieve. And if someone in a similar situation had asked me if it was OK to laugh so soon after their husband died, I would’ve told them, “Absolutely!” But as I do with many truths that I know, I do not apply them to myself. At least right away. 

Joy after loss is not a betrayal. The pain you’ve felt does not have to shut the door of your shattered heart to the possibility of something beautiful awakening within your weary soul. ~ Liz Newman

Eventually, after many conversations with friends and family, and after reading books and articles on grieving, I was reminded to gift myself with grace. I began to let myself feel all the feels whenever they came up. And I softened the expectations and unspoken rules I forced myself to inhabit, like a contortionist, regarding how and when I grieved. 

When I did that, an interesting thing happened. Allowing myself a feathery moment of joy resulted in seeing more joy in my life. Stepping into a deep, quiet, soul-lightening laugh opened me to more laughter. A fleeting thought of gratitude opened my heart to be more thankful.

Gratitude is not a form of passive acceptance or complicity. Rather, it is the capacity to stare doubt, loss, chaos, and despair right in the eye and say, “I am still here.” ~ Diana Butler Bass

Did my inner HERO open a space in me to experience joy, laughter, and thankfulness in grief? Probably. As you find the way and the will to hope, your belief in yourself grows. As your self-belief grows, your bounce back gets more jiggly. And as your bounce expands, so does your ability to see the optimism in the midst of the yuck. With hope, efficacy, resiliency, and optimism in active play during grief, a lightness occurs. With that lightness also comes joy, laughter, and thankfulness.

The creators of PsyCap considered gratitude for a while, but they settled on HERO: Hope, Efficacy, Resiliency, and Optimism. Maybe they thought, like I do, that gratitude is a part of hope and optimism. It’s hard for me to have either without also being thankful.

Are there still moments and even whole days when my sadness is just at the surface, and other people’s thankfulness, laughter, or joy feels a bit like being pelted by slightly worn shards of glass? You bet. 

There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. ~ Aeschylus

But inevitably, some joy, laugh, or thankful thought breaks through, and I find myself giggling or smiling, even if it’s just on the inside.

So, can you be thankful, joyful, and full of laughter in the midst of grief? Yes. It’s possible. And it might even be necessary.

“Joy and grief were mingled in the cup; but there were no bitter tears: for even grief itself arose so softened, and clothed in such sweet and tender recollections, that it became a solemn pleasure, and lost all character of pain.” ~ Charles Dickens